If this is an emergency, please hang up and dial 911.

For the writing department, email

For exorcisms, dial 333.

For holistic detection, dial 42.

For Jenny, dial 8675309.

For all other inquiries, turn 180 degrees widdershins and chant “Fiddlesticks” three times.

We value your patronage. Please stay on the line.

Your call will be answered in the order in which it was received.